Let's talk about our thoughts after a breakup: why they take over, why fighting them makes healing harder, and what helps instead.
After my breakup I couldn't think about anything but my ex, the relationship, what I said, what I didn't say, what she said. I wondered whether she had loved me, whether she might come back. What if I'd been taller, bigger, different? I wanted to be with her, I hated her, I wanted her to be happy, I wanted her to suffer, I was happy for a moment and then sad again. It was a huge rollercoaster, and it left me exhausted and hopeless. Maybe you're thinking the same things right now. I'd be surprised if you weren't. At the beginning it's almost impossible not to.
Your mind is looking for an answer
Our minds are rational. They always look for reasons. When a breakup happens we feel enormous pain, and the mind tries to find a reasonable explanation for it. When your ex gives a reason like "I don't love you anymore", your mind doesn't accept it, because how can a few words cause so much pain? So it does its best to find answers. It goes over the whole relationship: every moment, every experience, every time you were together. It's searching for the real reason you hurt this much. That's why you can't stop thinking, why you feel overwhelmed, why you're so tired.
How to calm your mind
First, try not to catastrophise. A breakup can happen to anyone. It doesn't mean you're less, it doesn't mean you're not a good person, and it's not the end of the world. Stop for a moment and look around. The sun still rises, the world carries on as usual, and nobody is judging you. Your heart is broken, and I don't take that lightly. But a lot of the suffering comes from the thoughts that circle around the pain, and those are something you can learn to work with. You have more influence over how you feel than it seems right now.
Meditation can help
One tool that really helped me notice what I was thinking was meditation. It gives you a few minutes of rest, a little freedom from the noise. More than that, it helps you notice your thoughts and feelings as they come, and see how directly your thoughts shape how you feel. Over time that can make you calmer, more focused and more confident.
I'm not a meditation teacher, so I won't explain how to do it here, but I can share my experience. It isn't easy at first, and it takes time to get used to. Don't give up. And don't be scared by what comes up. Maybe you'll think about a hundred random things, maybe you'll feel a lot. Let it all be there. Meditation isn't about getting rid of every thought. It's about noticing them and letting them be.
Don't be afraid of your thoughts, don't fight them, and don't get angry at yourself for having them. The harder you push them away, the more they come back. Give yourself time to rest and reflect, and it will get quieter.
