When you're going through a breakup, just getting through the day can feel like climbing a mountain. Big goals seem impossible and even small tasks feel heavy. You look at your to-do list, or just think about what needs doing, and feel completely overwhelmed, maybe even stuck.
Does that sound like you some days? Like you're not making any progress, or not doing "enough"?
I know that feeling from my own healing. There were so many days when I felt I wasn't achieving anything. The sadness felt huge, and I'd look at everything I thought I "should" be doing, being strong, moving on, feeling better, and feel like a failure because I wasn't there yet.
What I've learned is that healing, and rebuilding your belief in yourself, doesn't happen in giant leaps. It happens in tiny steps. It happens when you start to notice, and feel good about, the small wins.
What a small win looks like
"Small wins? When my heart is broken?" When you're going through something this hard, a win looks very different. It isn't a race or a prize. A tiny win could be:
- Getting out of bed when it felt impossible.
- Taking a shower.
- Making yourself a simple meal, even if you didn't feel like eating.
- Replying to one kind message from a friend.
- Going for a five-minute walk, even if it's just around your living room.
- Getting through a hard memory without completely falling apart.
- Being kind to yourself for one moment when you felt like being critical.
These might seem too small to count. But they count so much. They're the building blocks. Each one builds the feeling inside that says, "I can do things. I am moving forward, even slowly. I am strong." That feeling of being capable is a big part of healing. It helps you believe in yourself again.
Train your eyes to notice them
Our brains are trained to look for big achievements, or for what we haven't done and what's going wrong. We need to gently retrain them to notice the small good things too, the small efforts we're making. It's like looking for your keys: if you only check the obvious places, you'll miss them tucked under a piece of paper.
When you do notice one of these small things, especially if it was hard, acknowledge it. Say to yourself, "Good job. That was hard, and I did it." Or, "I'm proud of myself for trying." This isn't boasting. It's giving yourself the same encouragement you'd give a good friend who was struggling.
The "I did it" touch
There's a simple mind tool that can make the good feeling from a tiny win stronger and help it last a little longer. It's like saving a good feeling so you can find it again later. I call it the "I did it" touch: linking a good feeling to a small physical action.
First, think of a tiny win. One very small thing you did today or yesterday: maybe you made your bed, drank a glass of water, or reached out to a friend.
Then really feel it. Close your eyes for a moment if you like, think about that win, and let yourself feel that little bit of "I did that." How does it feel in your body? A little lighter? A bit of relief? Even if it's faint, find it.
Next, create your touch. While you feel it, make a gentle fist, or touch your thumb to your middle finger. Something small, easy and your own. As you do it, focus on the feeling of "I did that." You're linking the touch to the feeling.
Then use it and build it. Every time you notice another tiny win, do the same touch while you acknowledge the effort. "I got through that phone call." Touch. "I ate something healthy." Touch. The more you pair them, the stronger the "I did it" feeling becomes when you use the touch. It's like collecting little drops of good feeling.
This isn't pretending every day is full of victories. It's honouring the quiet strength it takes to get through the hard days, one small step at a time.
Two ways to keep spotting them
- Keep a tiny wins list. At the end of each day, before bed, write down one or two small things you did that count as a win. "I took a shower." "I didn't check their social media for a whole hour." "I was kind to myself when I felt sad." After a few days, the list shows you that you are making progress, even when it doesn't feel like it.
- Change what "productive" means. After a breakup, getting through the day is productive. Resting when you need to rest is productive. Crying when you need to cry is productive, because it lets the emotion out. Right now, a good day might just be a day you got through with a little self-kindness.
I wrote more about redefining a good day in stop trying to feel better.
Why it works
When your heart is broken, it's easy for your mind to get stuck on the big loss and everything that feels wrong. That's understandable. But if you also start to look for tiny moments of strength, effort and self-care, it balances things out. It reminds you that even in the middle of sadness, you're still capable. You're still moving. You're still here.
It doesn't erase the pain, but it can sit alongside it. Little by little, those tiny wins build a bridge back to feeling stronger and more like yourself. They're quiet proof that you're healing.
This week, try to notice and write down one tiny win each day. Just one thing, however small, that you did or got through. And if you feel up to it, use your "I did it" touch when you notice it.
It's about progress, not perfection. Some days you'll spot lots of wins, other days it'll be harder, and that's okay. Every effort to be kind to yourself is a step on your healing path. You're doing so much better than you probably think.
