Let's talk about three mistakes to avoid after a breakup.
It's your heart that breaks, but it affects your whole body, and healing starts in the mind. People say only time can fix a broken heart. I'm sure you've heard it: "Don't worry, time heals everything." It's frustrating to hear, because you can't control time, and on its own it often isn't true. When you're sick, your body knows how to heal itself. When your heart breaks, your mind doesn't know how to heal it yet. The good news is that with daily practice, you can teach it.
The first mistake is being dramatic. We decide the pain we feel is abnormal, something we'll never be able to fix. We think it's the end of the world and nothing will ever make us feel better. Heartbreak is hard, and you're in the middle of a rollercoaster. When you get stressed about it, you add another layer and make it even more complicated. The stress takes over. You can't think about anything else or do anything else, and it becomes a loop you can't stop.
Try to keep it as simple as you can. Every layer of stress and anxiety makes healing longer and harder. Don't rush your feelings. Give yourself time to accept what happened. It's normal to be sad and to cry. You've lost someone you love. Once you understand that you're going through something hard and that what you feel is normal, it starts to get easier. Let the stress and anxiety go, and let some love and light in.
The second mistake is shame and guilt. We think we're overreacting, that we're going crazy. We think other people don't understand us and are judging us, and we judge ourselves too. Like stress and anxiety, shame and guilt are another layer, and they make healing harder.
You're not the only person in the world going through a breakup. It has happened to so many people, and it happened to me. There's no shame in something so natural. Pain is part of life and part of love, and it's temporary. Once you see that you're one of many, in a situation that's painful but normal, you can let the shame go.
The third mistake is letting the pain define who you are. You're going through a very painful time. You can't see any hope and you feel helpless. Maybe you believe a broken heart can be mended, just not yours, because your case is more complicated. You believe you'll never love again, never trust anyone again, never be happy again, or at least not like before.
This is a fragile time, and it's easy to let it decide who you are and who you'll become. Don't. Don't judge yourself, and don't make big decisions while you feel like this. A broken heart hurts, and it's normal that you can't act like yourself and that you're afraid. Your thoughts and fears are natural: your mind is trying to protect you from more pain, searching for answers and solutions like a shield. But if you give yourself a chance and do your best to heal, it will happen. You will love again, trust again and be happy again. That doesn't mean forgetting what happened, and you shouldn't. It's a lesson. Take what you need from it and let the rest go. Don't hold on to the past and its mistakes, and don't let them define you. Only you get to decide who you are and who you want to be.
I know it's hard and I know it hurts, and you don't have to pretend it doesn't. But you can work on it, a little every day, and you will see progress. Let go of the stress, the anxiety, the fear, the shame, the guilt and the self-judgment. Fill that space with compassion, hope and the motivation to work on yourself, because what's waiting on the other side is worth it.
