After a breakup, do nothing dramatic in the first 24 hours: let yourself be sad, tell someone you trust, and eat and drink something. In the first week, cut contact, mute or block them, and put their things out of sight. In the weeks after, fill their hours with things for you, and leave big decisions for later.
It's been 11 years since my own breakup, and for 8 years I've read about these same weeks in my community. It isn't a race. Here's the order I'd give you.
What to do in the first 24 hours
Take the time to be sad and to understand what happened. Breathe, stay in the pain, but don't do anything dramatic. That goes for the first few days, not only today.
- Tell 1 person you trust. You don't need to tell everyone yet. Here's who to tell and what to say.
- Eat something and drink water, even if it's small and you don't want it.
- Expect a bad night. Falling asleep may be hard. It was for me. Here's what helps when you can't sleep.
- Keep your phone away from their profile tonight. You don't have to decide anything about blocking yet. Just don't look.
- Send nothing. Whatever you want to say will still be there tomorrow.
- Decide nothing. No big choices today, about them or about your life.
If it came from nowhere and you still can't believe it, read how to deal with an unexpected breakup.
What to do in the first week
This week is about closing the door, so you have room to feel what you feel without new messages coming in. Keep it small. You only need to get through each day.
- Cut contact, and mute or block them. Do it everywhere, even if it feels childish. In one study, people who kept checking an ex's Facebook page felt more distress and longing, and grew less. Here's how to start no contact.
- Ask mutual friends once not to pass on news. One message, and then you can stop thinking about it.
- Put their things out of sight. A box in a cupboard is enough for now. Here's the idea of a Goodbye Box.
- Give each day a small shape. A time to get up, 1 meal, 1 walk, 1 person. There's a simple routine for days that feel too big.
- Count small wins. Getting up counts. Going to work counts. Not texting counts. Here's what counts as a win right now.
- Plan the first weekend before it comes. Weekends are some of the hardest days I see. Put a person or a place in each one.
- When you want to text, write it where it won't be sent. The urge is normal, and so is missing them. It isn't a sign. Here's what to do instead of texting your ex.
If your ex texts you this week, read what to do when your ex texts you.
What to do in weeks 2 to 4
Now start to move from getting through the day to building something. Keeping busy isn't the goal, because it only buys time. Don't be busy not thinking about your ex. Be busy working on yourself and your future.
- Make yourself a promise. Mine was to put myself and my happiness in the first place from now on. Say yours in your own words, and write it down.
- Fill the hours that were theirs. Pick from what worked for me, day by day: sport, friends, learning something new, music that uplifts you, a goal you can reach.
- Write down the relationship as it was. The good and the bad. Here's why your ex wasn't perfect, and how to write it.
- Move your body. The NHS says even a brisk 10-minute walk can clear your mind.
- See people, even when you don't want to. Let a friend talk you into it. A friend convinced me to go to school when I didn't want to.
- Plan special dates ahead. Birthdays and holidays are hard. Decide where you'll be before they arrive.
And don't judge yourself along the way. What I see in the people who get through the first month well is that they let it be a normal process: sad, angry, hurt, then starting to understand what happened, step by step, with ups and downs, and never too much judgement. Sometimes they also ask for help from outside.
What can wait
Most things can wait until you can think clearly.
- Big decisions. Moving to a new city, quitting your job, changing your whole life. Not yet.
- A new relationship, or getting back together. Personally, I'd give yourself this time first.
- Being friends. You don't owe them that, and being friends with your ex can keep the wound open.
You don't need a closure talk either. Closure is a decision you make yourself, so you can stop looking for answers. And here are the mistakes that make heartbreak heavier.
What if you live together, or share children or work?
This is a hard one. If you live together, try to move away, and use family and friends for the logistics: a place to sleep, help with moving, someone to collect your things. Tonight, decide where you'll sleep. This week, set a date.
If you share children or work, keep it professional and practical. It isn't easy. Say only what you need to, and read when you have to speak with your ex. For the money or the lease, get advice from someone you trust.
If your ex threatens you, won't stop contacting you, or you feel unsafe, this isn't about no contact any more. It's about your safety. Keep the messages, tell someone you trust, and reach out to the support lines on our support page.
What if you have no one to talk to?
That happens, and it doesn't mean something is wrong with you. Start with paper: write everything you feel for 10 minutes. Then pick 1 person, an old friend or someone from work, and send a short message: "I've had a hard week. Could we meet for a coffee?" You don't have to explain it all.
You can also talk to your doctor. And if it's urgent, the support page lists lines you can call or text.
Does it change if you ended it, or it was mutual?
Mostly, no. It's the same plan, and you still cut contact, even if you ended it on good terms. You can still miss them, and it doesn't mean you made a mistake. If guilt is what's keeping you up, read how to stop blaming yourself.
Which week is the hardest?
For me it was the first, because the hardest part was accepting it was over. Here's how that went, stage by stage. But there's no one hardest week for everyone, and the worst days can come at any point.
A bad day after good ones doesn't mean you're starting again. A bad day doesn't take you back. If you're wondering about the whole road, here's how long it takes to heal.
My first days
I told my close friends. It was hard to fall asleep and hard to eat as usual, and everything seemed sad. It was my last month of school. I didn't want to go, and a friend convinced me to. I couldn't accept it. It just seemed to be the end of the world.
It took me about 1 week to accept the relationship was even over, and another week to finally give up on her. I saw quickly that I couldn't just wait for good things to happen. I had to take ownership of my life. Then I understood that I deserve more, and I started working on my own happiness.
If I could get from the end of the world to there, so can you.
When is it more than a hard week?
Sometimes it's too heavy to carry alone, and asking for help is a good next step. The NHS suggests seeing a GP if you're struggling to cope, if a low mood has lasted more than 2 weeks, or if the things you're trying aren't helping.
Please also talk to a doctor if you can't eat, sleep or get through the day, if you've stopped seeing anyone, or if it's getting heavier. If you have any thought of not wanting to be here, reach out now: the support page lists crisis lines you can call or text.
One thing for today
Pick 1 thing from the first list and do only that. Tell 1 person, or eat 1 meal, or put your phone in another room tonight. That's enough for today.
