Missing your ex is normal, whoever ended it, and it doesn't mean you should go back. You may be missing the person, and also the routine, the future you planned, and having someone to love. When it hits, name what you miss, give that hour something else to do, and write what you want to say somewhere it will never be sent.
I know this feeling. It's been 11 years since my own breakup, and for 8 years I've read about it in my community. Here is what I learned from both.
Why do I miss my ex?
If you miss your ex so much it hurts, it's because you loved them, and they were part of your days, your plans and how you saw yourself. When someone leaves, all of that goes at once. So you don't lose one thing. You lose many things on the same day, and your mind keeps looking for them.
For many people, the good days are the ones that keep coming back, which is why it helps to remember your ex wasn't perfect.
If the missing has turned into thoughts that won't stop, read how to stop thinking about your ex.
Is it normal to miss your ex?
Yes. It's normal if they ended it. It's normal if you ended it, because leaving someone doesn't switch off what you felt. It's normal if they hurt you, because you can miss someone and still know they weren't good for you. It's normal years later too, in small moments.
Missing them isn't a sign that something is wrong with you. It makes sense to still love them and think about them. It takes time.
If it's more than you can carry right now, the section on getting help is further down this page, and our support page lists crisis lines you can call or text.
What are you actually missing?
Start with this question, because "I miss my ex" can mean many things. See which of these is really yours today:
- The person: their voice, their laugh, the way they knew you.
- The routine: the morning message, the weekend plans, someone to tell about your day.
- Being someone's person: being chosen, and having someone to come home to.
- Having someone to love: someone to care for and to give all of that to.
- The future: the home, the trips, the life you had already pictured.
I'll be honest about mine. As the days passed, in moments of self reflection, I understood that I missed having someone to love and to take care of, not specifically her.
That gave me hope. If what you miss is loving someone, that hasn't left with your ex. It's still in you, and one day you can give it to someone new.
Yours may be different. But once you can name what you miss, you can start looking after it. The routine can be rebuilt. The future can be planned again. A person can't be replaced, and you don't have to try. You only have to stop treating every kind of missing as proof that you need them back.
Why does missing them hit at the same times?
Missing them often hits at the same times because your days were built around them. Those hours still feel like theirs: the call on the way home, the Sunday you always spent together. In what I see, weekends and special dates like birthdays and holidays are the hardest.
Mine wasn't like that. It had no set hour, so this may not be you either. But if it does come on a schedule, you can plan for it:
- Write down your 2 or 3 hardest hours. Be exact: Sunday evening, the drive home.
- Put one thing in each hour before it comes. A friend, a class, a walk, a task that needs your hands.
- Plan birthdays and holidays ahead. Decide where you'll be and who with, a week before.
It can also come out of nowhere after a good week. That isn't a sign or a message. A bad day doesn't take you back to the start.
Sometimes a song could take me a little back, but I tried my best to avoid those songs. If a song does that to you, you can avoid it too.
What to do when you miss them right now
Breathe, stay in the pain, but don't do anything dramatic. You only need to get through the next few minutes. For the next 20 minutes, try this:
- Say what you miss in 1 line. "I miss having someone to tell about my day." Out loud or on paper.
- Let it hurt without acting on it. You don't have to fight it. You only have to not act on it.
- Give that need something tonight. If it's someone to talk to, call a friend. If it's the routine, make your own.
- Write what you want to tell them where it will never be delivered. All of it, then throw the paper away.
- Read your own list of what didn't work. Write it on a clear day, for a moment like this one.
- If it's late, put the phone in another room. There's more on this in can't sleep after a breakup.
Keeping busy won't solve it by itself. It only buys time. Don't be busy not thinking about your ex. Be busy working on yourself and your future.
Does missing them mean you should go back?
No. Missing someone tells you that you loved and that something is gone. It doesn't tell you the relationship worked.
If you're thinking "I miss them, maybe it was a mistake", here's my answer: you always do your best in any particular moment. You can't change the past, but you have to accept it. That goes for the one who was left and for the one who ended it.
For me, it came down to this: if I gave her everything and it wasn't enough for her, she was the wrong person. Things end for a reason, even if we don't see it.
Personally, I don't help anyone get an ex back, and I don't believe doing the same thing brings new results. If what you're really asking is how to stop loving them, read how to get over someone you love.
Should you tell them you miss them?
No. It feels honest, but it opens a door you're trying to close. And no contact is for you to heal, not for them.
I sent my ex one goodbye message, in a very specific situation, and I wouldn't recommend it. Messages like that usually bring the feelings back or make things worse.
Do they miss you too? You can't know, and the answer wouldn't change what you need tonight.
If you already told them, don't be too hard on yourself. If they reply, leave it. You owe them nothing. Here's what to do after breaking no contact. If the urge is here right now, read what to do instead of texting your ex.
Why do I still miss my ex after all this time?
Because it takes time, and there's no rule for how much.
If it's been months or years, ask the same question again: what am I missing today? It may no longer be them. And if you're with someone new and a moment of missing comes, it doesn't mean you're betraying anyone or that you chose wrong. It's a memory passing through.
It does end. For me it took about 1 month to feel good, and that's my story, not a rule. If you're wondering where you are, read how to know you're over your ex.
When missing them is too much to carry
Some days this is more than one person should hold alone. Talk to a doctor or a professional if you can't sleep or eat for days, if you can't work or look after yourself, or if it still fills your days months on. Get chest pain or panic that won't settle checked.
If you have any thought of dying or of hurting yourself, reach out now. The support page lists crisis lines you can call or text.
Tonight, pick one hour
Name the hour that's hardest for you tonight, and put one thing in it. That's all for today.
I missed someone too. As the days passed, I understood what I was really missing, and that gave me hope. If I could get there, so can you.
