The no contact rule means no texts, calls, messages or likes, no watching their profile and no asking friends about them, for good rather than a set number of days. It is for you to heal, not to make them come back. If you share children or work, keep it practical, and if you slip, start again the same day.
11 years ago I went through a breakup that broke me, and for 8 years I've run a community of 60,000 people going through theirs. Here is the rule as I see it, and the post to read for each moment of it.
What is the no contact rule?
For me, no contact means your ex stops being part of your day, in every form. Not only the texts you don't send, but the quiet things too: the look at their profile at midnight counts as much as a call. No contact is for you to heal, not for them.
What counts as contact:
- Texts, calls, voice notes, emails and messages, including "happy birthday" and "just checking in".
- Likes, comments, reactions and watching their stories.
- Looking at their profile, even if you don't follow them any more.
- Asking mutual friends how they are, who they're seeing or what they said about you.
- Going where you know they'll be, hoping to bump into them.
What doesn't count: a polite hello when you pass at work or in the street, and the practical messages about children or a job, covered below.
The looking matters more than it seems. In a study of 464 people by a researcher at Brunel University, those who kept checking an ex's Facebook page reported more distress over the breakup, more longing for their ex and less personal growth the more they checked. And contact keeps the feelings going: in a study that followed young adults for 28 days after a breakup, contact with the former partner slowed the fall in love and sadness.
Will no contact make them come back?
No contact can't make anyone feel or do anything. Some exes get in touch and some never do, and nobody can tell you which yours will be. If you keep the silence as a tactic, your mind is still on them, and every quiet day becomes a day of waiting. That's why no contact isn't working for so many people.
Many people start no contact hoping it will bring their ex back, and I understand. In the first weeks after my breakup, I imagined us getting back together too, though I never sent her a message to win her back. Wanting that doesn't make you weak or foolish. It means you loved someone.
But I don't help anyone get an ex back, and here is why. I believe things end for a reason, even if we don't see it. I don't believe doing the same things will bring new results. Each person has their own road and their own growing to do. If, far in the future, 2 people meet again and believe it can work, that's their choice. It isn't a plan, and it isn't what no contact is for.
So keep the feeling and change the goal. Whether you want them back or want to move on, running after your ex hurts you. Tonight, while you're thinking clearly, write down the reasons it ended, and read them on the night the hope comes back strongest.
How long should no contact last?
Nobody has a magic number. My answer is for good, and she's still blocked, 11 years later, because everyone has to look forwards and move on. Here's what 30, 60 and 90 days are really for, and when it gets easier, in how long should no contact last.
How to start no contact
Start today, and without an announcement. You don't need to tell your ex first.
I did send a message, so let me be honest about it. About 2 weeks after the breakup, I sent her one message, wishing her the best. I felt I needed closure for myself, and I wanted her to know there was no reason to contact me in the future. I was in a very specific situation where I didn't expect a reply, and I don't remember one.
Would I tell you to do the same? No. For many people, a goodbye message just brings the feelings back and takes them backwards, or worse. The best thing is to write it all down, every word you want to say, and then burn the letter or throw it away.
Then, practically:
- Block them everywhere, even if it feels childish. It's a must: their number, every social media account and anywhere else they can reach you or you can watch them. A few days after my message, I blocked her on social media. I tell the story of the photo that made me do it elsewhere.
- Mutual friends: ask them once, kindly, not to bring you news of your ex, and mute the ones who post about them. You don't have to lose them.
- Their things: the hoodie, the photos, the letters. I threw mine away about a month after the breakup. When you're ready, the Goodbye Box makes it one afternoon.
- If they cheated: block the person they cheated with too. Getting over someone who cheated on you covers the rest.
- The first 24 hours: tell one person you trust that you've started, and fill the hours you would normally have talked.
Why is no contact so hard?
Because missing them works like a craving, not only a thought. You're not weak for wanting to text them at 2am. Your habits, your evenings and your brain were built around this person.
In the Rutgers study, people who had been rejected and still loved the person looked at a photo of their ex, and it lit up areas of the brain linked with motivation, reward and craving, the same areas linked with addiction. In my experience, every message and every look at their profile feeds that pull, and one small contact can bring it all back.
It's also a habit. The good morning text, the call on your way home: your days had them in the background, and now there's silence. Pick the 1 or 2 moments that hurt most and give each one something new this week, like a walk at the time you used to call. If the thoughts won't stop even when the phone is down, here are 3 ways to stop thinking about your ex.
Feeling all of this is normal. What you do with it is yours to decide.
What to do when you want to break no contact
Don't act on it yet. Give it 10 minutes without sending anything, and do one of these:
- Breathe, and put the phone in another room. Stay in the pain, but don't do anything dramatic.
- Write the message, and don't send it. Every word, in a notebook. Getting it out of your head is often enough. Here is what to do instead of texting your ex.
- If you want to look at their profile, ask what you're hoping to find. Whatever it is, you won't find it there. Your ex doesn't get a vote in your life any more.
- If you want one last conversation for closure, let it pass. You won't hear anything in it that heals you. You don't need their answer to move on.
- Call someone who isn't them. A friend, a sister, anyone who lifts you up, for 5 minutes.
The app's "I need help right now" button does this with you. A text or a call goes to Unsent, a thread that never sends, and a look at their profile asks what you're hoping to find, then waits 90 seconds.
What if your ex contacts you during no contact?
Their message doesn't break your no contact. Your reply decides it. You don't owe them an answer, least of all the same day. Feeling everything when their name appears is normal, so don't answer in that state: put the phone down for at least an hour, ideally 24, and ask what you want, not what they want. If you do answer, keep it short and calm, make it clear you're okay, and end it.
About a month after my breakup, she phoned me. I had blocked her on social media, but not on my phone. I don't remember what I said. I remember how I was: cold, clear that I was okay, and not giving her any power over me.
The point isn't that she called. Some exes do and some don't, and it says nothing about yours. By then I had already decided I deserved more, so her call couldn't pull me back.
Here's the full playbook for what to do when your ex texts you. And afterwards, block the number too, the step I hadn't taken.
What if you already broke no contact?
Start again today. One message or one look doesn't erase the days you kept, and in the app every milestone you earned stays yours. Here is what to do after breaking no contact, whether they replied or not.
No contact when you share children, a job or a home
If you share children or work, full no contact isn't possible, so keep it professional and practical. Only the children, only the work. It isn't easy, but the key to becoming indifferent is self love, and that part is fully yours.
In practice:
- One channel, in writing. Pick one place for the practical messages, so their name isn't popping up everywhere.
- Only what has to be said. Pick-up times, school, the report for Monday. Not their weekend, not how they look.
- Children come first. Never cut a co-parent off from what the children need. Low contact, not no contact.
- If you still live together, the same rule holds until one of you moves out: the bills, the keys and the move, nothing more.
Here is more on how to speak with your ex when you have to, and what to say if they offer friendship in why staying friends with your ex is a bad idea.
When no contact is about your safety
If your ex threatens you, won't stop contacting you, or you feel unsafe, this isn't about no contact any more. It's about your safety. Keep the messages, tell someone you trust, and reach out to the support lines on our support page.
You don't owe them an announcement or an explanation before you step away. The NHS counts threats, following and stalking as abuse, and says it's important to tell someone if it's happening to you.
Is no contact manipulative or cruel?
No, not when it's for you. A boundary that gives you room to heal is not a game. Silence designed to make someone miss you is the manipulative part. You don't owe anyone access to you, including someone you loved.
The difference is where your attention goes. If you're counting the days to see whether they notice, it's still about them. If you're counting the days you've given back to yourself, it's about you.
And if you hurt them, you can say sorry once, and that's it. Then respect their decision.
5 signs no contact is working (on you, not them)
The signs that matter are about you. Indifference is a process, so the first ones are small:
- You miss them a bit less. Not gone, just a little quieter than last week.
- You think of them a bit less. You realise an hour went by, or an evening.
- You do things for yourself only. A walk, a class, a plan, and they aren't in your head while you do it.
- Seeing them still hurts, but you come back sooner. If you see them with someone new, being sad is normal. Here is what to do when your ex has moved on.
- If they get in touch, you stay yourself. You can be calm and clear that you're okay.
When thinking of them feels like remembering instead of reliving, you're close. Here's how to tell if you're really over your ex.
Every no contact post, by moment
- You're wondering how long to keep it: how long should no contact last.
- You're new to the rule and want them back: why no contact isn't working.
- You're about to text them: how to stop yourself from texting your ex.
- You miss them and the wave just hit: what to do instead of texting your ex.
- You already broke it: what to do after breaking no contact.
- They texted you: what to do when your ex texts you.
- You share children, work or a street: should you speak with your ex?
- They want to stay friends: why staying friends with your ex is a bad idea.
- You're tempted to chase them: should you run after your ex?
- They're with someone new: your ex moved on, now what?
- You keep checking their life: your ex doesn't matter any more.
No contact is for you to heal, not for them. About 2 weeks after my breakup, I understood that I deserved more, and from then on the silence was for me. If I could get there, so can you. Start counting the days you give back to yourself, and let today be day 1.
