You don't get over someone you love by forcing the love to stop. You let go of the hope that it will work out: cut the contact that feeds it, let yourself grieve, and put the love you gave them back into your own life. The rest takes time, and it doesn't go in a straight line.
11 years ago, someone I was sure I would marry told me she didn't love me any more. For 8 years, I've read about this same pain in my community. Here's what I know about it.
Can you stop loving someone?
Yes, but not by deciding to stop tonight. It makes sense that you still love them. Love isn't logical, and it doesn't go in a day. What you can let go of now is the hope, the contact, and the place they hold in your days.
The hope is what goes first. That's how it went for me: I realised it was over, and accepting that was the hardest part. Here's how that went, stage by stage.
So don't judge yourself for still loving them. You're not weak, and you're not doing it wrong. It takes time. Fill your days until they take less and less place.
Why is it so hard to get over someone you love?
It's hard because they weren't just a person in your life. They were part of every day and every plan. For me, "she became all my world". All my focus was on her and on making her happy, and much less on what I wanted.
When someone is that big, losing them doesn't only hurt. It leaves you asking who you are without them, and that takes time to rebuild. If that's you, read who you are after a breakup.
How do you let go of someone you still love?
You let go of the hope first, and the love follows later. What I see most often is that the people who heal understand they didn't lose their one. They lost the hope that their ex was the one. The ones who stay stuck believe they lost their one, forever. Here's how that decides how long healing takes.
So be exact about what you're letting go of:
- The hope that they'll come back or change their mind.
- The future you pictured, with the home and the plans in it.
- The role they had in your day: the first message, the person you told things to.
- The version of you who waits for them.
You always do your best in any particular moment. You can't change the past, but you have to accept it. That's the step. Not proving it was wrong, and not hating it. Just accepting that it's over.
There's more on what that asks of you in why it's so hard to let go.
How to get over someone you love this week
You can't finish this in a week, but you can start. Pick from this list, and don't try to do all of it in a day.
- Tonight: breathe, stay in the pain, but don't do anything dramatic.
- Block them everywhere, even if it feels childish. It's a must, because every message and photo feeds the hope. Here's how to start no contact.
- When the love wants to reach out, give it somewhere else to go. Write the message and don't send it. Tell a friend instead.
- Put their things out of sight. Here's the idea of a Goodbye Box.
- Write down what it really was, while you're thinking clearly: the good and the bad. Here's why that helps.
- Don't fight the thoughts. Fill your days. The goal is to fill your mind until the ex takes less and less place. Here's how to stop thinking about your ex.
- Plan the weekend and the special dates. They're the hardest days I see, so don't leave them empty.
- Make yourself a promise, and keep it day by day. Here's the one I made.
What if you still see them every day?
Keep it professional and practical. If it's work or kids, say what's needed and nothing more. It's not easy. In the end, self love is the key to indifference.
If you still share a home, it's a hard question. Try to move away, and use family and friends for the logistics: somewhere to stay, help with the boxes, someone to pass on what needs passing on. Set a date, so there's an end to it.
Staying friends rarely helps while you still love them. Here's why being friends with your ex is so hard, and how to talk with an ex when you have to.
If your ex threatens you, won't stop contacting you, or you feel unsafe, this isn't about no contact any more. It's about your safety. Keep the messages, tell someone you trust, and reach out to the support lines on our support page.
How to get over someone who doesn't love you back
This is one of the hardest things to accept, and it's normal if you can't accept it yet. You can't make someone love you. You can't know what's in their head either, so stop trying to work it out.
What helped me was one thought: if I gave her everything and it wasn't enough for her, she was the wrong person. That doesn't make anyone a villain.
If they're with someone new, read what to do when your ex has moved on. If it was never official, read how to get over a situationship.
How to move on from someone you love but can't be with
Sometimes nobody did anything wrong. You love each other, and it still can't work, because of distance, faith, family or timing. There's nobody to be angry at, and that can make it harder.
You don't have to hate. The focus is always on yourself, on the present and future. That's true even when you would have stayed if life had let you.
Things end for a reason, even if we don't see it. If you want to wish them well, do it on paper. I once sent a goodbye message, and I wouldn't recommend it, because it usually brings feelings back. Then cut the contact the same way you would after any other breakup. Loving each other is a reason it hurts. It isn't a reason to keep the door open.
Do you have to hate them to get over them?
No. You don't have to hate them. The goal is indifference, and it's a process, not a rule for today. You'll still feel things, and that's normal.
Writing down what went wrong isn't hating them. An honest list is there to remind you of the truth when love rewrites the story. If the anger won't leave, read why it's time to forgive your ex, which is for you and not for them.
What if part of you still wants them back?
That's normal, and you don't need to feel ashamed of it.
I'll be plain, though: I don't help anyone get an ex back. Doing the same thing won't bring new results, and no contact is for you to heal, not for them. If you start waiting, you're back to the hope again. If they reach out, read what to do when your ex texts you.
How do you know you're getting over someone?
The first signs I see are small: missing them a bit less, thinking of them a bit less, doing things only for yourself. For me, it was being able to set goals with nobody else in the picture, and to feel motivated to reach them.
There's no honest number for when that comes. What you do with the time decides it, and I wrote about how long healing takes in more detail.
A song or a memory can still pull you back a little. That doesn't mean you're back at the start. And don't rush into someone new as a cure. My next relationship came with hope and belief, not with fear, because I'd done the work on myself first.
If you can't sleep, eat or work for days, talk to a doctor. If you have any thought of not wanting to be here, reach out now: the support page lists crisis lines you can call or text.
It seemed like the end of the world to me. I got over her, and you can too. You deserve love that comes back to you, and it can start with your own.
