There is no official number of stages of a breakup. The ones I know, from my own breakup and my community, are shock and denial, bargaining, anger, blaming yourself, sadness, going back, acceptance and rebuilding. They are the stages of grief after a breakup, they rarely come in order, and the last ones start with a decision, not a date.
It's been 11 years since my own breakup, and for 8 years I've read what people go through in my community. So this isn't a textbook list. It's what I went through, what I see, and one thing to do in each stage.
What are the stages of a breakup?
Here they are in plain words. You may feel all of them, or only some of them. Other lists have other numbers, because no list is official.
- Shock and denial: this can't be real, and it can't be over.
- Bargaining: if only I'd done this, maybe we could still fix it.
- Anger: at them, at what they did, at how it ended.
- Blaming yourself: the anger turns around and points at you.
- Sadness: the heavy part, when everything feels grey and the fears move in.
- Going back: to them, to their profile, or just back to the pain.
- Acceptance: you stop fighting the fact that it's over.
- Rebuilding: you start making plans that have nothing to do with them.
If you were the one who ended it, you can feel blame too, just like the one who was left.
How I went through the stages
Mine came in 3 stretches, and they took about 1 month.
- Week 1: accepting that the relationship was even over.
- Week 2: finally giving up on her.
- Weeks 3 and 4: accepting the reason and the situation completely, and starting to work on my own happiness.
That's my clock and not a rule. We were together for 6 months, and I saw quickly that I had to take ownership of my life. If yours takes longer, nothing is wrong with you. Here's more on how long getting over a breakup takes.
Are the stages of a breakup the stages of grief?
Yes. The NHS names the end of a relationship as a loss, alongside bereavement, and it says you may not feel every stage of grief, they may not come in a particular order, and you may not move smoothly between them.
So you're not doing it wrong if you feel angry after you thought you'd accepted it. Being fine one day and broken the next is normal. It doesn't mean you've gone back to the start.
Shock and denial
You're here if you keep waiting for someone to tell you it isn't true.
She invited me to her house and told me she didn't love me any more. I didn't see it coming. I was deeply in love and sure we would marry. I couldn't accept it. It just seemed to be the end of the world.
One thing to do tonight: nothing big. Breathe, stay in the pain, but don't do anything dramatic. Tell 1 person who cares about you what happened. There's more for these first days in what to do after a breakup.
Bargaining: the deals in your head
You're here if you keep rewriting what happened, and part of you believes there's still a way to fix it.
These deals are normal. For about 2 weeks I read her letters, looked at photos and imagined us getting back together. It all stayed in my head. I never sent her a message to win her back.
The danger isn't the thought. The danger is acting on it at 2am, because a message won't give you what you're hoping for. It will take you backwards. No contact is for you to heal, not for them.
One thing to do: when a deal comes, write it down and don't send it. If the urge is strong right now, here is what to do instead of texting your ex. And if you keep asking why, read why you can stop looking for answers.
Anger
You're here if you're suddenly furious, even if you were crying yesterday.
Reading her letters did this to me. Her "I love you" in writing started to feel like a lie. I began to lose respect for her, with some anger.
Anger is normal, and you don't have to feel guilty about it. Just keep it away from them: no angry message, no post they're meant to see.
One thing to do tonight: put all of it on paper, every word, and throw the paper away. If you want to see how that can look, here is a letter I wrote to my ex and never sent.
Blaming yourself
You're here if you keep thinking you weren't enough, or that you could have made them stay.
I blamed myself for not being "man" enough. That wasn't my real share. My real share was that I didn't love or respect myself enough. She became all my world.
Responsibility and blame are different things. Responsibility asks what you can learn and what you'll do next time, and those questions take you forward. Blame takes you down and stays in the past.
One thing to do: when the blame starts, ask yourself: what can I learn from this? Then read how to stop blaming yourself for the breakup.
Sadness
You're here if the crying has slowed but everything feels heavy, and the future scares you.
For me this part was full of thoughts and fears. About the future. About who would love me again. About how I would ever trust someone again. I gave it time and I didn't feel better, and that taught me something: time alone doesn't heal a broken heart.
The people I see doing well let themselves be sad without judging themselves for it. Sadness is a normal part of this.
One thing to do: take the fear you hear most and write it down. Then write 1 small thing you can do today that has nothing to do with your ex.
Going back: to them, or to the pain
You're here if you broke no contact, or you had a good week and then fell hard.
I never went back to her, but I had my own version of this. I checked her profile several times a week until the day I blocked her. And sometimes a song could take me a little back, but I tried my best to avoid those songs.
What I see most often is that the slip isn't what does the damage. Self-blame is. "I already ruined it, so it doesn't matter any more." Sometimes you fall. What matters is what you do after you get up.
One thing to do: if you reached out, read what to do after breaking no contact. If it was just a bad day, read when a bad day takes you back.
How do you accept that a relationship is over?
You accept it by stopping the argument with the truth. For me, the hope went first. I realised it was over.
The turn came after about 2 weeks, when I understood I deserve more. I deserved to be loved and appreciated. Time alone didn't hand me that. From there, I started working on my own happiness.
What I see in the people who heal is that they understand they didn't lose their one. They lost the hope that their ex was the one. The ones who stay stuck believe they lost their one, forever.
One thing to do: finish this sentence on paper: "I deserve..." Keep what you write and read it on the bad nights.
Rebuilding
You're here if you catch yourself making a plan and your ex isn't in it.
For me, feeling good meant I could suddenly imagine a future without her. I could set goals that were only about me and feel motivated to reach them. I promised to put myself and my happiness in the first place from now on, and then did it day by day: sport, friends, learning new things, music that uplifted me.
The first signs I see in others are small: missing them a bit less, thinking of them a bit less, doing things only for yourself. Here's how to tell if you're really over your ex.
And it does end. 11 years on, I feel nothing at all.
One thing to do: set 1 goal this week that's only for you, and reach it.
What is the hardest stage of a breakup?
For me, the hardest stage was accepting it was over. Once it happened, the rest just happened. I had to accept the truth.
Where people stay stuck longest, in what I see, isn't really a stage. It's too much focus on the past and too much guilt about how they're healing. They treat one bad day as if they've lost everything. Weekends and special dates are the hardest days I see, so a bad Sunday isn't proof of anything.
When it's more than a stage
Some pain is too heavy to carry alone, and you don't have to wait to ask for help. Talk to a doctor or a professional if you can't work, sleep or eat, if you've stopped seeing people, if the pain is getting heavier rather than lighter, or if you have any thought of not wanting to be here. If you need someone right now, the support page lists crisis lines you can call or text.
You can get to the last stage too
I went from the end of the world to "I deserve more" in my own time, and you can get there in yours. You don't have to go through these stages perfectly or in order. You only have to keep moving, one small step at a time, with as little judgement as you can.
You deserve to be loved and appreciated, starting with you.
